JAYDABEST

Trying to be happy is so not going well.

diary sucks, i don’t want commiserations.

i feel so destructive.

it’s a cycle i’m very tired.

plough on.

i’m increasingly private here nowadays, but i’d just like to say that i’ll be making a much harder effort to be a happier boy. though certain things are carved really deep into the back of my mind such that i feel like crying every time i think about them. but yep i swear this time i’m really trying. thanks calvin, thanks hazel, thanks junshyang, thanks woankeng, thanks junjie for listening to me talk about them. and thanks nick, for being there. the main question is, is there really a choice in how you look at life? i want to be able to look at life as one big happy funny thing, and laugh a lot. but thus far i’ve failed very much. so i want to believe that it’s possible and CHOOSE to let the happy things prevail over the shit.

sprained my ankle for the second time of my life today. i rmb last year feb during fac dance practice i did a bridge, got up and fell onto the floor and gged my ankle. it was very bad then. this time while playing vball after landing on my jump don’t know why my leg gave way and somehow twisted my left ankle. sucks ah.

today class cip was… indescribable? woke up damn early feeling damn pissed with it and the class and didn’t feel like turning up and all. even planned to blog something mean about it. but somehow i didn’t have the heart to let keith tank our room alone and plus i wanted to see how the kids would be like so i went. and plus nick would be going to school too hahaha. anyway, the kids were all freaking naughty and rude but in the end we really did made friends with them got pissed by a couple but actually chasing, carrying them around, even hugging or just sitting beside them talking to them, were all very pleasant. they’re really cute and innocent mostly. it really made me miss my childhood days like crazy, when all we could think about was playing, and actions have seemingly no consequences whatsoever. at least they’re all happy doing what they want.

so guess i don’t really regret going for it (:

kick those thoughts away rarhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this marks the start of my painful wait.

5 days, BE OVER!!!

The past few days have been relatively happy ones i love 1 on 1 outings / meals with best friends. spent the entire friday afternoon and pre-dancenight with junshyang at westmall. very nice. and last night after sending nick home just randomly asked junjie out for dinner and we gayed around like we always do till 11 plus. but i went home in a very good mood cause i was laughing like shit the entire night in spite talking a lot about… stuff, very serious ones haha. haha but hopefully i’ll get to spend more time with the ppl i like, soon.

and of course, time with nick <3 not a lot these days but nvm, we can take it hahaha.

shit man these days i spend a bit too much time playing fifa too. damn fun to spend 975891751 bucks transferring imba players to my team and selling my entire reserve and subs squad away and going bankrupt hahahaha.

i think the moch articles are more or less done, i can start proper on schoolwork now.

ah ah ah a levels.

anyway, i like jaychou’s olympic song. hahahahahahah thousand mountain million water

omg i suffer from a monthly sickness. not period haha. but what the shit, this year i’ve been falling sick once a month for the past few months la. it started with a mild sore throat a couple of days ago, to the super-mega-torturous-until-cannot-swallow-cannot-talk sore throat of yesterday. during invest i was still happily okay. afternoon at vivocity was a rather painful. i felt slightly feverish giddyish headachey but still went to sentosa with the rest of the 34th all the same. quite fun la i pretty much enjoyed myself. but towards evening i felt cold maybe because i had no shirt on and the sun was setting whatever. anyway was planning to go back to school after dinner with the rest but the sore throat reached unbearable stage and so i cabbed home with junjie who was mildly sick as well. went to the doc’s and i had a 38.7 deg high fever.

my mum asked him why i’m falling sick so easily recently and he drew a triangle with the 3 sides labelled diet, rest and exercise. then he talked about the 3, all of which i know i cannot possibly fulfill given my schedule. anyway he said the fever stemmed from the inflammation of the throat, which he said was ‘very red’. i knew it la it’s the freaking worst sore throat ever in my life. came home and took my meds and my throat felt better like within 2 hours. the fever was gone as well.

this morning i woke up feeling okay, though the sore throat till now is still more painful than a normal one by my standards. but i don’t care, i’m eating chocolate hello panda now.

tmr i’m freaking screwed i need to re-present my love-sex poems BUT I FREAKING DONT KNOW HOW TO. but it’s just one bloody lesson i don’t wanna use my mc and miss the rest of the day. ahhhhhhhh how how how.

stepping down was okay. as predicted i didn’t cry like quite a few others did. but anyway i’m damn touched by the notes some of the 34th gave. a bit guilty that i’m less passionate towards council as a whole, and them for not caring what i wrote on this blog and just accepting everyone for their own (de)merits. anyway i’ll miss the council room a lot. now i have nowhere to be alone whenever i’m down or need to cry or whatever ): tiantang doesn’t count because it’s hot and stuffy and generally out of the way. the council room and its couches will be missed a lot a lot.

i just regret being unable to participate in the sex-love-life-everything talks on the sand and private time with junjie the way home. it’s probably one of the last few times we officially hang out as a 34th. and i cannot speak to give my valuable insights, at least in my pet topics HAHA. stupid throat. but every swallow was excruciating, really.

hopefully the people who matter will still hang out together sometime, probably during the june hols.

HAVE TO FINISH MOCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And i don’t feel like going. but since calvin for once is going i wont pon. maybe hanging out will make me feel better today. though i don’t exactly feel very bad today. it’s just this perennial pmsy moodswingy thing that turns me high one moment and low the next. i just need to stop thinking…

these days i feel like a prisoner of my own emotions. i need to harden myself, because i’m weak. and i can’t do anything, anything at all when my insides are messed up, even for no or little apparent reason. i do stupid things and i can’t help it. ugh.

last night and this morning i’ve had quite a bit of inspiration for moch for the first time this year and i’m glad it actually made progress, as overdue as it is already. and i’m damn proud and glad that there are actually people who sent in articles asking us to publicise them or their activities projects whatever. it’s just… i feel like a proper magazine in-charge or something. so powderful.

over the past week pubco had our last formal. and we had individual evaluation… and i’m glad i received so much praise though i still don’t think i deserved quite a few of them. and i really want to post up a nice proper evaluation to my personal council journey but the feeling isn’t here yet so probably i’ll hold on to my thoughts for awhile more. 2 days to stepping down i’m suddenly not very anticipative towards being a non-councilor. i hope i don’t end up crying like many will on stage during investiture. but i don’t think i will la, haha. and these few days i realised that maybe i don’t dislike council after all. at the very least most people are nice and friendly and all. and council room!!! my emo couch won’t be available anymore ):

been having very vivid dreams the past 2 nights. on friday night i dreamed that a few good friends and i were walking along somewhere, and me a bit in front of the rest. and there was this ahbeng who stared at me and i walked on but he trailed behind me and i stopped and looked at him. but i continued walking on. this happened about 2 more times. then suddenly i don’t know how we ended up fighting… in a weapons store. he brandished a sword and i had no weapons. he swung 2 times and i dodged, then the 3rd time he got my arm (but not painful thankfully) and i got slashed like a few more times. then suddenly some council guy rushed in and took the next stab for me. and died. then i killed the ahbeng and stabbed his corpse a lot of times. after that was meeting with the councilors and the elects. and i came in late. and told everyone ‘i have something to say’. and i started telling my story with the ahbeng, that one of the senior councilors died for me. but halfway thru all the elects became damn sian and i got damn pissed. and suddenly the dead guy’s identity changed to magdalene and i bent over to whisper to junshyang, ‘your mag’s dead’. and then i ended up crying at one corner cos i felt damn guilty and sad and yijing came to comfort me. after crying for a damn damn damn long time i took a tour with benpoh, nick and a few other people around the school to find evidence of the murder, bloodstains and all. i think the dream is damn screwed up.

Last night i had 2 which i can remember vaguely. first was a nightmare where i was trapped in the dream and something painful was happening to me but i knew i was in a dream and i was praying fervently i wouldn’t be able to feel it and initially i felt a bit of it and started to scream but after that it wasn’t painful anymore. and i struggled like shit and i woke up. the second was about nick going with me to my maternal grandma’s place. and leaving angrily and ending in a breakup again. rocks man.

my life is getting a bit too morbid ugh.

Hmm. just an update because i don’t like to leave this place rusty for too long.

Still as busy. MOCH is not progressing, and homework and tests just don’t stop coming. i’ve just finished auggie’s essay. 6 pages long, small handwriting. spent 2 full days on it, no kidding. sigh. it’s 9 days before we step down… well well. still loads more things to do, more precisely, MOCH because it’s nowhere near completion.

Had a dream last night. actually it was more like a nightmare. involving again a dream within a dream within a dream. no kidding. and in the dream there was the supernatural and all. maybe i do too much poe and coleridge, haha. then i wonder why i don’t dream about anything beatific. hahahaahah okay damn lame. but anyway, i was slightly tempted to write down my dream when i woke up because of it mid-sleep but was too lazy and since i’ve no such habit i didn’t. anyway i think in the dream i woke up from a nightmare and went out of home (which didn’t look like my home) and wandered around the block barefoot and when some ppl started chasing me i ran from staircase to staircase, corridor to corridor. and i didn’t bring keys so i was desperately knocking on doors everywhere. and one of them opened it was another of my enemy, whoever it was. so i was fleeing a lot in the dream. and after that i woke up but actually it was another dream. i think roughly the same thing happened. so it was quite unnerving. but when i really woke up i went back to sleep after seconds cause i was pretty tired. and after that i dreamed about nick in a pink dress

okay you can ignore the above para. i think i don’t make a lot of sense when i talk about my dreams. but then again dreams are not supposed to make sense ah. plus i forget a lot of details so there are 457419859 loopholes. whatever.

yesterday was my mum’s birthday so family went cafe cartel for dinner.

http://pimpisnotback.wordpress.com/2007/05/13/happy-mothers-day/

hahaha i suddenly remember this. anyway happy birthday and happy mothers day at the same time

anyway mj invest was sleep-inducing mostly but some parts were quite funny. anyway it wasn’t worth the time and effort at all. luckily it was bryan who went with me. best 67 partner ah haha.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh i need moremoremore time!!!!!!!! shitzzz.