JAYDABEST

-

Because i hope after typing everything my heart will be weighing considerably lighter. Because i feel quite shitty emotionally physically everything. i feel like puking again and i ate like half a bowl of rice just now because i’m just one breath short of puking. have been feeling damn nauseated every time i eat, or even before i touch the food, for the past couple of weeks. maybe i’m pregnant, ha-ha. and maybe i shouldn’t have bigmouthed and told my mum; now she’ll keep bugging me about it and it’s all pointless worrying because if it’s so serious i’d probably do something more substantial other than just complaining. today i’ve been having random mild headaches and a couple of random goosebumps eruptions. maybe i’ve been sleeping too little. either way today sucked. just lay around mostly and thought destructive thoughts.

going out with different people the past few days have been nice, sufficiently relaxing despite fruitless attempts trying to study sea history. today so far i’ve covered a bit. but for me history goes in best when it’s last minute. so i’m gonna finish up the rest later.

the past few days i’ve been flipping through my old health booklets. it made me smile to see the checked boxes beside the assessment criteria. now i know at 6 weeks of age i could smile, vocalise, had no feeding or sleep problems, lie with elbows flexed and hips and knees partly flexed, responds to loud noises, am alert/responsive, quietens when picked up, smiles at mother in response to overtures. but i had to review vision, because i had a problem with ‘fixes gaze on object’ and ‘follows movement with eyes’, as well as my femoral pulse, whatever that is.

like many others, i wish i had a choice to stay as a child all my life, never having to grow up. sometimes i also wish i’m stupider just so i’d have less complicated thoughts.

okay now it’s time to focus on sea history good luck me.

haha FAIL. didn’t study at all last night and this morning when i woke up i watched euro highlights. so started revising thru the formulas like 10 plus when i reached school. but thankfully i don’t think i could have done much more. the questions were damn hard i thought, rmb formula or practise a bit more also no use. statistics was okay but i think still have room for mistakes. but statistics is like what, 30 marks? or 30 something. even if i get full marks for stats also cannot hit an S, cos i confirm get single digit for the first part. so… hopefully it’ll be the last time i’m getting a U. the only regret i have is not skipping more questions at the start cos i realised the functions question was doable!!! too late i scribbled some skimpy graph when she already said stop writing. stupid ah stupid. 2+ weeks of mathsing not much use sia ): hope everyone fails with me (:

international history yesterday was okay. think i’ll manage a D at least. i aimed much higher but i was damn stupid. 4 essays in 3 hours, 45 mins per essay right. i forgot and thought it was 1 hour per essay. so by 2.45 i was still 2/3 thru my second essay. then it suddenly occurred to me that it’ll be 5 by the time i finish the paper if it was 1 hour per essay. then i realised and panicked like shit but in the end i managed to write enough to pass i guess? hahahaha shit i better. it’d be the only subject i have a more than reasonable chance of not failing this time.

Actually i have nothing much to talk about already. i am going out with nick tmr haha first proper date in like 1 month or so <333 SEA history i’ll start on sunday earliest and monday latest. should be okay la i’ve got the notes all ready already.

i really cannot think of anything to say already. i think it’s a good sign that finally my blog post is 90% filled with academics. yay.

Haha. i really suspect i’ll fail both econs and lit. but at least i think i put up a fight la, haha. thanks to hazel’s advice that ‘it can’t get worse so it’ll get better’, i just studied as much as i could which basically covered everything albeit rather skimpily. till 12.30 last night. lit i just read as much as i could take, cos it was really damn dry.

Thanks to qs, i already knew like 2 of the lit questions. but i damn integrity sia, just studied everything in general. luckily la, cos after the paper i realised it wouldn’t have made a difference. i think still gg, even though it wasn’t that torturous to sit through somehow. ‘herland is a very funny book.’ to what extent do i agree. was really damn tempted to just write something like, ‘i agree. so funny hahahahaahahahahaha…’ for the entire duration. but i still think i’ll fail. and to think i was aiming for a D this time.

Econs i think even worse. after the exam i told everyone i did q2 and q4 and everyone was like, jawdrop reaction. to think i still think i made a lot of sense. q2 they asked something about assessing the change. and i said there was no change, and went on for 2 sides or so why there’d be no change, mentioning nothing in the notes. rocks man. this one i’ll be happy with an E. was aiming for a D too haha shit man.

Gp yesterday was manageable. didn’t like the questions that came out for paper 1, because there wasn’t any topics like ‘anger’ or ‘humour’ or the like which i like. so in the end i did the no pain no gain question and i think i didn’t write it very well. paper 2 was easier than any other we’ve done in this year thus far, but i doubt i’ll do well either, because i wrote rubbish for aq. i’ll be happy with 2 marks for that. anyway was aiming for a B in gp but i’ll have to lower my expectations now i’ll be happy if i can hit a C. oh, and plus these 2 days i was especially vocab-deficient, more so than usual. i keep repeating words for gp and lit. die la.

gg la i realise all my aims for this blocks again are much lower than everyone else’s. i hope by A’s i’ll be able to hit the As. Shit la damn demoralising sia. and maths is even worse. please let me get my first pass in college on account i’ve been working harder than i’ve ever did in the past couple of years. though in comparison to the rest of the cohort it’s like beyond paltry i’m sure.

last night was also the first time since psle i actually felt STRESS for a written exam.

but it’s probably good la.

good luck man. it can’t get any worse so it’ll get better. haha.

i seriously feel like stabbing myself. nothing’s been going in for the past few hours. or they go in and come out. gonna fail both econs and lit tmr i guess enough said. i am so not in the right frame of mind. effffffffdlakjfklad;jfkls

hmm it’s been around 3.5 years since i started blogging. and this is my 500th post, wow. it’s been an incredible few years and there’s been a lot a lot of change, which i register from the awkwardness i feel whenever i click on those superlongago posts. change in myself, my blogging style, my life, my friends?, my attitude towards things, etcetera. i think etcetera is a funny word when spelt out, haha. oh, and there’s definitely a change in my blogging frequency. i remember there were periods i posted every day, or nearly so. those days i was not so lazy, had much less things to do and think about, and more importantly, don’t mind expressing myself so much up here. plus those days i had ten million more views and comments. i’m not complaining haha. but thanks frequent commenters/commentary(???) it beats letting this place rot on its own. but then weekly posts are okay la hor. hahaha.

i’m gaining more and more control over my own emotions. i can do it after all. ah i’ll press on.

the past week has been mostly mugging with nick, and one or two days with hazel and jijo. i’m glad to say i’m making progress. it’s not much, but i’m slightly satisfied to see myself making progress. been doing maths (almost) every day. even though some days i do like one or two questions in a span of like 6 hours, i’m er. learning. haha but yeah i’m keeping track of everything hopefully i will scrape an S, or even an E??? this time round, breaking my own record, by far in fact, in major maths tests throughout college.

just to digress a bit…

i never knew toilets had so many names haha. so just now i was sitting on my THRONE, reading my sister’s jodi peacock book!

hahahahahah i suddenly thought of what teh said in lesson. ‘i thought thesaurus was a dinosaur’. i think it was him. i cannot remember.

kheexuan’s back, so next week i’m going out with the artemis council clique!

i’m very distraught over all the rejected articles for the moch that’s still lingering. i very badly wanted the controversial but actually not very controversial articles!!!!!! ARGH.

3 months yay i love you

okay my mind is set, yet again.

Stable mind, study hard.

I can do it!!!!!!!!! (i did 3 maths questions yesterday, yay)