JAYDABEST

i feel like murdering people now, many many people in fact. online threats mean nothing so i’m not gonna say things like if you do it you’re dead blabla. anyway, in their opinions it might not be anything wrong either. actually i’m feeling very irrational now not for the first time i don’t know what i’m upset over. the trigger is apparent but there is no basis for the negative emotions that strike so hard.

i’d give a leg to find out why and resolve it myself. but how to?! i even got stuck a few lines into my diary because i don’t even know what/why/how i’m feeling.

aiyoh, get a grip.

actually i feel marginally better after typing all this.

but i end as i started 15 mins ago, only now it’s more sadness than anger.

aiyah, don’t know ):

(thank god this isn’t start of saturday and thus i’ve done quite a bit of work over the weekend already)

good night.

so, nothing much has been happening. block results are mad, EEEEU but i’m over it now zzz.

been doing a bit of maths every day, hope it’ll help and i’ll do more soon.

two days ago i also realised that i love children damn a lot man. that evening at the traffic light outside lot 1 this little boy around 3 years old i guess, damn damn cute, grabbed hold of mine and another malay guy’s hand. that guy didn’t react much and kept a lousy straight face la. initially i was feeling quite tired and zoned out from the long bus ride from toa payoh. but seeing that excited, enthusiastic adorable face hopping around and shouting happy words and clutching tightly to me i couldn’t help letting a smile cross my face okay i sound like a retard, but seriously i was damn damn happy!!!

his maid was cheerfully talking on the phone, like totally not giving a damn about the cute boy!!! and it was like at the side of the road! so when the green man came and the boy was still holding onto me i just grabbed his little cute hand and walked across the road!!! then the maid just followed behind still chirping away on the phone. then when they stopped at the bus stop and i was supposed to continue walking straight the boy didn’t wanna let go! so i led him a few more steps then the maid told him to let go! but as i walked away i looked back every 5 steps and he kept shouting and waving bye!!! omg la he was really extremely cute I ADORE HIM LIKE MADDDDDDDD.

thought about him and kids in general for the rest of the walk home. oh man i want my own children nownownownow!!!!!!

shit man prelims are damn near. ajoi;rfjea;jfkl stress mannnnnnnnn.

caught batman today finally! quite nice, though i thought it was slightly overrated. but yeah joker left the most impression on me, not the dark knight. hahahaha. let me share a joke:

N: I wanna be batman!!!

S: Haha rubbish la so funny you’re such a Joker!

ha-ha.

i really should just ignore all the people i don’t like, aka my many ‘bestfriends’. they don’t mean anything to me, so to heck with them la. fffffffff. sometimes just the sight of them makes my blood boil like some kettle even if they didn’t do anything much. i need to learn to be more emotionally detached.

life is quite boring these days actually. nothing to look forward to every day save meeting Nick<3. but i guess that’s the way. only a few more months left now, argh.

zzzzzzzz shit man my blog is damn boring now i don’t like also but heck la don’t care. i feel i’ve lost a lot of enthusiasm for blogging.

I FEEL LIKE WATCHING LES MISERABLES AGAIN!!! DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING!

I LOVE YOU!!!

yeah it is that horrible. because i feel like it, shall agonise myself by talking about them one by one.

maths was the first to be returned, foreshadowing everything that was to come later. 29%, better than what i expected after i took the test already. stats a lot of careless mistakes, but the main point is, i could have gotten like 5 marks more at least, because i didn’t touch questions 7 8 9!!! which all, after looking thru, were relatively easy i could have at least gotten their first parts right. ah well it’s over. U then U la.

quite some days later we got back gp compre. when even gp i screw up so bad what can i say? 24/50, an E what the shit. i just hope essay will hit 31 marks, bringing the overall to a C. but like i said this time i felt less confident for essay than for compre so i think i’ll do worse ahhh.

the same day we got back herland for lit. 24/50 again. zzz. but that one i didn’t study much and didn’t write well so shoot me. today we got back P&C comparison and boy was auggie strict. that’s an understatement la. 23/50 when i felt so much more confident about it! but nvm la, lots of people ranged around there and even joshua got only 23 so to be fair, good job simchun. (don’t slap me i need a bit of encouragement in my life)

then we got back 1 out of the 4 essays for SEA history and 10/25 which was the lowest i ever got in history in history. wah i still can joke. but decolonisation i didn’t study very in depth so my fault again, ah. but i still thought i smoked pretty okay sia. i think he marked super strict lah, i didn’t expect to fail so bad what the shit. hope the rest of history, both SEA and Intl, will be less tragic.

for econs, last friday ip spent one entire lesson screwing us, saying we were a huge disappointment and all. and from my atypical question choice, i’m betting on an S at the most.

all in all for BT2 it’s been a huge disappointment even in comparison to the rest of the class and cohort. am working harder, ugh.

And i’ve decided to improve my handwriting! especially for major tests and exams. i used to not care cos i still thought they were legible la. but now it’s kind of a crisis, since mr teh very nicely niaoed my fabulous handwriting and artistic cancellation skills in front of my junior class! so since yesterday if you check my notes and tutorials and diary (not that you’ll ever be able to for the latter) you’ll realise that there’s already a marked improvement! i am so proud of myself. typewriter font, here i come!

Emotionally the past few days have been kinda unstable… everything’s difficult i can only try harder, as always.

Hmm last week there were many things i wanted to blog about, like council jts which i missed half of and cny treat which i ponned for 4th mth<3 and the occasional friends outings and dates. i realise time is really not on anyone’s side now. for every small decision i make it represents a huge compromise on the part of another. and it doesn’t help that everything just clashes, unlucky la. but right now i know my priorities. even though it doesn’t always make my friends happy that nick comes before everything else, i have no regrets. even if prior to this my life has always revolved around my best company. but yeah sooner or later at some point in life it’ll happen anyway. but i really value everyone around me la. i don’t know how to broach this topic more suitably so maybe people will misinterpret this. but hopefully the people who matter will know that i will never eliminate their importance to me. wah sounds damn gay. but you get the gist.

these few days i’ve been sleeping pretty early. i’ve just been feeling real tired day and night. lessons i felt crazy sleepy, on the bus and in the late afternoons when i get home i sleep till dinnertime, and at night i sleep much earlier than i usually do! don’t know what’s been sucking the life out of me. on the other hand my appetite’s improved slightly. at least now i eat full meals most of the time.

okay don’t know what to say already. what’s on my mind will always be on my mind, in different forms and different situations and permutations, and different magnitudes. learning to control and tame them and ultimately make them insignificant is my objective, and i’m on my way there. i am very vague but doesn’t matter. i’m feeling fine now though, and i’m gonna sleep soon.

i love to ramble.

good night, and just for the record,

i love you

never thought i’d say this in my entire life. but for the first time in god-knows-how-long, i felt quite a degree of respect for quack today!!! today for ct in class he talked about a lot of things about life and death and relationships and all. okay to tell the truth i forgot quite a lot of the things he said already but yeah i just remember i was pretty impressed. and he did look very very sincere. so maybe jijo’s right, he’s really more likable now. (i never thought i’d ever say this i swear) okay to be fair we never really gave him a chance we just hated him right from the start but then i really think he’s changed like 180 degrees or something. anyway he’s nice lah, just don’t like his way of doing things at times.

but i remember one thing he said. that you need to expose yourself to getting hurt if you want to benefit from a genuine relationship. only when we learn to be hurt do we learn to love. hmmmm food for thought eh. reminds me of this book i read, suzanne’s diary for nicholas. which was very very sad and touching. anyway there was a part that talked about the story of the five balls. and humans are all juggling 5 balls. work, money, possessions (or sth along those lines) are rubber balls, dropped already still can bounce back. but health and relationships are glass balls. once dropped, never able to bounce back. hmm i think i put it real crudely in the book it was very nice

forgot to mention. the other night after going home with nick<3 i joined jinyang and junjie and shiwei on their shoe/bag hunting journey and jy actually told me that he got needlephobia tooooooo! and that he was blinded and all for awhile and was gonna faint! HAHA it made me damn happy okay now i’m not the only needlephobic pussywussypussy! nice nice.

speaking of teachers i think ms poh is damn nice also sia. she just lets us relax like mad in gp, knowing that forcing us doesn’t work haha. especially in a subject like gp. and she’s super friendly, keeps chitchatting with us!

these days my mood fluctuates quite a bit. but at the end of every cycle all would be fine, and a new one starts. but ultimately i am okay, and good as new. hopefully.

i love you