JAYDABEST

I think the free unofficial MBTI one is better though, with ten million more questions! But i like this one too. Anyway i’m off to take my MBTI, hope i’m still an ESFP or ENFP! (that’s the problem with knockoff / free cheapskate versions you never know which one’s the right one. Nevermind, my S and N were nearly a 50-50 split the last time. anyway the descriptions sound remotely close to me. is that an oxymoron, ha. anyway i cannot modify the formatting for this shit so the huge bold font’s not my choice!

Your answers suggest you are an Innovator

The four aspects that make up this personality type are:

Summary of Innovators

• Energetic and creative taking inspiration from everyone they meet
• Enjoy flexible work environments with few rules and many opportunities for fun
• Think of themselves as imaginative, sociable and sympathetic
• May not think logically about their ideas

More about Innovators

Innovators are fun-loving, creative, sensitive people who enjoy developing their ideas by discussing them with others. This group supports the people around them and expects the same in return. Others are drawn to Innovators because of their love of life, caring nature and openness.

Innovators are most likely to say they do their best work when they start at the last minute, according to a UK survey.

Innovators are good at spotting opportunities and recognizing potential in people. Innovators put all their energy into new projects and their enthusiasm motivates others to support their plans.

In situations where they can’t use their talents or are unappreciated, Innovators may become rebellious and unfocused. Under extreme stress, Innovators may become preoccupied with meaningless details.

Innovators may over-extend themselves or put a night out with friends ahead of more pressing commitments.

Innovator Careers

Innovators are drawn to careers that require teaching or counselling, where they can work with and help encourage the development of others.

because you don’t ever know what comes next. such a cliche, but such wise words.

birthday was really good, thank you everyone who wished or celebrated with me or bought me stuff. i’ll blog in detail about it soon to make myself happier.

the past few days i’ve been stuck in a different kind of drift. spent days working my ass off and nights surrounding myself with the guys who’re nice and caring and patient. and putting myself in the thick of things to do and talk about, even enjoy or laugh about. all i don’t want to be is alone, and doing nothing. a good part of me is degenerating, dying like only the living can. every night before i fall asleep the wall naively trying to block you off crumbles and falls, and i wish i were dead. there’s only so much i can say, or do. i know this pain will go on, the hurt will never ever leave completely, and it’ll take so bloody damn much time. in all honesty i can’t envision anything much better in the future, but i effing miss the past, and you.

i dont know if i’ve already said too much here because i hate to talk about this so openly. it’s just the loss of an entity that was (and still is and will be for the perceivable future) the sole pinnacle of my life is really much harder than i thought. feels empty, feels so washed out, so cold, so lost. wish with all my heart everything could have turned out better. but for the future, and for practicality’s sake, let’s be strong.

today was special because it is the birthday of my beloved, and a day after our one year mark of being together. enjoyed the day out. nowadays, just seeing alone is a blessing already.

in other news, i feel worse and worse. can’t help it.

…a wall between my fragile heart and what i received yesterday.

This wall has been sturdy for awhile, now it’s crumbling bit by bit.

Today i stayed at home the whole day, played fifa, thought things through.

I realised for the past 36 hours or so i’ve just been freaking refusing to think about what my results meant at all. Like what i posted up here, i put all my available mental capacity to pondering my next step. For alternatives to business, for which i should even apply for, for which would bring me a better career and life, make me happier, should i retake my A’s, etcetera. If i can land my sorry ass in a business school, I would pretend this never happened, would bury this ugly piece of paper forever in a drawer. Of course, now that everything is over it’s wiser not to think, and especially feel emotional about it. But it’s inevitable for anyone whose results’ as dismal as mine to spend some time languishing in depths of self-doubt, if not depression and things like that. The question that runs the most through my mind is whether i’ve tried my best, done everything i could. Of course not. But how much more could i have done? It’s not a rhetorical question. I really don’t know. How much could i have done better by, say if i pushed myself harder? I have no idea.

And of course back then for every single test i flunked (nearly everything btw) i had loads of excuses to back my guilty self up with. Council, relationships, falling sick, everyone around me was doing badly, and so on. I don’t mean to say that i regret investing time and effort in other aspects of my life, duh no. But i think in a small corner of my mind, i’m aware i just didn’t want to put in that extra bit. Mostly because i thought i could handle A’s, why not?

After the papers, i secretly thought to myself, i might be able to do it. How naive, now it seems, that i even for brief periods of time allowed myself to luxuriate in dreams of A’s in abundance. I told people, i’d be satisfied with 2 A’s, but only really happy if i get straight A’s. Cue laughter please. I’ve known that all along my grades, relative to hwachongians, were abysmal to begin with. Even if 70, 80 percent of people got A’s for history, lit, maths, so what? Okay, congrats friends and classmates and schoolmates. But it would equate to nothing for me if everybody has pushed as hard, if not harder, than me. So i am less academically intelligent than people. And i’m putting it in a not so humiliating way for myself already. Another possibility is that i started too late.

People who’ve known me since the primary school days might be surprised. For a few years already, I’ve even allowed myself to envision a day where everyone who’d known me after sec 1 would look, aghast, at me on the day results are released and say wow, actually you’re smart! Or similar words. I allowed myself to think that i’m just refusing to commit my 100% to academia, that repeating the 272 feat would be all simple and natural come the crunch.

In all honesty, it’s not easy to be okay. What’s remaining of my confidence is just about gone in entirety. I don’t have much to boast about myself. It’s worse when i think of how many people are going to keep asking me about it. And i just keep repeating the exact few words, ‘very bad, straight B’s and Econs D’. And try not to burst into tears. Okay i won’t exactly. But it hurts to the core.

It’s true, though, that escapism is useful. Right now if i spend too much time reflecting, if not emoing about my predicament, i would have no motivation to even put effort into considering my future. And that’s worse. Maybe i deserve this. But if i am, i really am trying to hide it from myself.

Really. That’s what i’ve been telling people all day.

Even though i’m like bottom 1% of hwachong or sth with straight B’s and Econs D…

i don’t want to think about it already.

One hour or so of bloody self-pity and depression’s enough i guess.

And i just want to focus on applying for business now (though how the f i’m gonna get it i don’t know)

and maybe look at some other options which will still be second best to said course.

thanks everyone for the nice words and qs for keeping me company the whole day.

congrats everyone who did well.

future, focus on the future.

i feel like killing myself a lot these days i think i won’t be able to take the blow come friday it’s really really galling.

actually i’ve so much to rant about regarding work, but i’ve forgotten some and lack the stamina to deal with the rest. in short, it’s like the saigang part of council all over again. i’ve done things like ushering, backstage, goodiebag packing, cutting paper, filing, data entry and compiling, manual labour = carrying heavy stuff around, serving ppl drinks, reception duty, packing drawers, photocopying, double-checking for typos, sticking scotchtape, putting letters into envelopes and stamping the address and the list goes on. super saigang. but everything goes by a pretty relaxing pace. it’s just the boredom that’s really unbearable. some days though, i get jobs requiring a bit more brains. like doing a mini 2 page research paper on education assessment and related stuff. and translation work. and reading chinese texts to help look for textbook articles, though i completely fail at that, haha.

but good news. thanks to the CPDD (it stands for Curriculum Planning and Development Division so cool right) seminar i finally know like a few of the other temp staff in CPDD alr!!! there’s really not many of us around, and i’m the only one in chinese! haha. okay they’re all quite nice and friendly even though all of us are like very different. today i went for my first teabreak with them! even though it’s only for like a short while it’s quite fun and happening la and for that few moments i dont have to hear chinese, speak chinese, see chinese, eat chinese and all 24/7 i think my chinese is really improving haha dont play play sia. i also know more people from other units now! so i can say hi to more ppl in the lift

and i save a lot of money every day because my aunt frequently pays for my lunch and breakfast and the occasional teabreak. haha. but i’m literally a very poor thing la, 50 bucks a day only. so thanks gugu haha

all i’ve been preoccupied about for the past couple of weeks is, you guessed it, the big A’s. i can’t even visualise, imagine for one second getting barely satisfying results, only gory images of racing out to school, all teary, hailing a cab straight home. i know i keep repeating myself… but i’m going crazy man.

relationship’s still surviving despite everything. one year in a few days. love you, nick.