JAYDABEST

my biggest regret in hwachong is not training harder. no, it might be even joining badminton. felt so damn agonised when leaps was shown to us again. 6 points knn. can i go jump off the building or sth. the main problem, of course, is cca.

i wanted to make this post private and confidential for fear of opinions that i’m trying to gain sympathy or worse, make myself look better. but i don’t care la. not many ppl will see this anyway i hope. but well.

the truth is, after not making it into the team in sec 2, i gave up. the main motivation to train was like, gone instantly. that is why until today, i still think badminton is pretty much a screwed thing in our sch. in sec one, 18 of us were taken in. not that many at first, but they came one by one. no diff. might be their improvement rate, but initially i thought i would have no trouble getting into the team in sec 2. after all, i can still rmb in sec one we were asked to play against quite a few pairs, and we did win a few. i thought that the 11 that would be in the team the following year wouldbe a no problemo thing for me.

anyway in sec two i dunno what really went wrong. sec one, i think i trained one of the hardest. sec two, started slacking a bit, but was still rather hardworking. however, when the list of players came out, it was…. i dont know what to say. i rmb i took the pang for more than 3 months before settling down. after that, i told myself to work harder, ppl tell me to work harder. but i’ve always had this feeling of half-heartedness. ah shucks what went wrong? what i truly feel is that i was better than a few in the team already, but i simply didn’t have – either not given or not taken i dont know – the opportunity to prove myself. coach doesn’t like me; thats the feeling i get.anger, disappointment.. i dont WANT to work harder.

i see my level mates one by one leaving the school for tournaments and competitions, and i feel embarrassed. when the team went down in front of the school to receive the medals, naturally my face turned red. at that moment i just wished i could straightaway die off from the surface of the earth. i tried not to care, of course, but it really bothered me that i was a bloody failure. or worse still, NOT a bloody failure but not standing down there shining with the light of honour.

at the end of sec3, i received a piece of encouragement talk and was quite ready to take on the challenge of pushing myself into the sec 4 b div. halfway through, this best friend of mine didnt wanna train, so i forced myself to choose between the two, and i chose my best friend. concurrently, the holidays training that would have made my stepping into the team much easier, was mistakenly conveyed to me as for sch players only. and this misunderstanding continued until close to dec, where i decided to give up already. (cos it’ll be so damn embarrassing to face the rest after not being present for half the hols) and i thought that so many ppl will have a better chance.

little did i know that in the end, only 5 sec 4s players were in the team. sec 3s occupied the majority… the rest of the sec 4s didnt bother at all, just like me. if i have known that i have such a large chance of being back if i had bothered to train, i would certainly have tried my hardest. besides, already so many ppl looked down on me; how could i not have seized the chance to prove myself?

now, i can’t do anything. png just posted an emb to say that he wants to see us tmr and our excuse letters for not turning up for trainings and to support during the tournament. fuck, as if our burden of not being in the team is not enough, as if our cca and leaps points are as low as fuck, now he wants us to go support the team and highlight the fact that we are so. the fact that none of us are turning up means that we have all given up on this whole affair already; why does he still want to make life difficult for us?

these four years, two of which spent training so hard. how has it paid off? 3 fucking leaps points over 4 years, all for attendance only. 509157419054890 thousand dollars, all for a coach that sits there and asks us to do bunny hops and lunges. okay i dont care how he trains us, but at least be fair? come on, he doesnt even know my name now.

every single time i go for training, i feel the humiliation and ostracising. in fact, its grown on me until im starting to feel numb to it already.

there’re a hundred thousand million flaws in this piece of crap, so after reading please just shut up. its my heartfelt opinions and i’m not shoving it down anybodys throat.i know its not nigel’s fault, neither is it with most ppl. i kept quiet all this while because i know its my own. now just let me rant on. i would really like to think that i’m not that weak after all, but im beginning to suspect that its more than just sheer unfortunate events that took place.

and as a side comment, leaps is a scrwed thing and if its counted as one subject at the end of the yr, i think i’ll probably just quit hci and screw off to somewhere else. read ben poh for all the details regarding problems with the system of leaps and cca. dont wanna ramble on.

ben and i got 2nd for vip, but i dont think any of us really feel the happiness. think theres no point in all this already, when 1/11 of our grades, or at least mine, is gonna be a d7 or c6.

leaps, leaps. HOW?
and png, go jump down a building pls.
this is damn horrible i have absolutely 0% motivation to even work in my studies because of this shit. in a world where how i perform for my cca affects my academic grade and in the near future, scholarships and postings, HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA CARRY ON?????????

one wrong decision in life can screw you down the drain.
how true is that.

edit: here is my letter of apology. this is screwed but i’m prepared to get screwed anyway. so don’t care, hope i sound stupid enough.

here goes:

To the teacher(s)-in-charge, badminton,

I am Sim Chun from 4G. I am dreadfully sorry and apologetic for not turning up for recent training sessions and to support the team in the recent tournaments. To clarify, I did turn up for trainings earlier in the term, but when the competition period arrived, I busied myself with the project I’m working on. This is because I thought that the training facilities should be utilized fully by the team members during their trainings, and it will not be nice to use up the courts for their serious trainings. I realized that for this short competition period I should make full use of it for my project, and not idling away in the hall which will be constructively used. That is why I definitely will go back to training soon. Regarding not going to support the team, I am also exceptionally regretful and guilty. However, lessons usually end late and it is inconvenient to travel to the different destinations to support the team which will normally dominate the west zone anyway. My project also takes up a lot of time, and whatever spare time that I have to offer, I need it for academic pursuits such as studies. Believe me, I really wish in my heart that the team will triumph in the competition. I also think that in terms of priorities, academic interests should come first, especially when we are already not in the team, and has lost a source of motivation.

In conclusion, I , without a doubt, condemn and abhor this act of irresponsibility and laziness for this whole term. I know this is actually a wrong attitude and mentality and I will definitely reflect about it and start making up for it by coming for future trainings. Hopefully, on account that my past record has always been rather positive, you might consider giving me a chance. I rightly assure you that I am still hundred-percent passionate in this interesting and enriching activity.

Thank you very much,

Sim Chun, 4G29